Clutch vs. Choke Artist: The St. Patrick's Version

Sometime around 11:00 p.m., where ever you live, Fuglys and Cougars are going to gain an average of two to three points on the typical how hot is he or she on scale of one to ten.

I mean let’s be fair there are plenty of us that will file into a fine establishment this evening to knock back a few or few too many tasty beverages to celebrate the fact that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. (Or at least that’s the reason I am doing it.)

I mean why else could you possibly be shuffling out of the house on a Tuesday night, only to wake up with a ringing in your head that only three Extra Strength Tylenols, Two Gatorades and a Pale of Coffee can cure?

Oh yeah, that’s right because in those three hours between 11pm and 2am we’ll see the dating equivalent of the bottom of the ninth. Most of you are going to take your chance at the plate.

I know what you’re saying; I could do this any Saturday night I want. You’re right, but all those Saturday’s are like the regular season.

They don’t count.

They are all prep work, pre-season, practice for the one that matters.

Somebody has to take the shot with the clock winding down and what I've learned in life? I believe Gene Hackman said it best in the replacements: “Winners want the Ball!”

Now what does picking up the cutie in the tight green t-shirt and jeans have to do with sports?

Well let's take a look. It is my contention that your ability to be clutch, to come through when it matters most, to shine through in this situation. I am probably never going to get to stand at the dish at Fenway Park trailing in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded. (When I say probably, I mean never.)



All that being said, it my assertion that the same confidence, the same self-assuredness that it takes to drive the 2-2 count off the wall for a bases-clearing double, or calm a player into drilling a game winning three, will come to the forefront tonight. It'll come right around the time you make your way through "Hi my name is (fill in the blank) or How are you this evening?"

And here is my proof.

Tom Brady, New England Patriot Quarterback, four Super Bowl Wins

Mr. Clutch in New England. The 2007 AP Athlete of the Year and 2007 NFL MVP, has the regular season touchdown record. Brady made his way into four Super Bowls where he is 3-1 and in the fourth he managed to give his team a lead with moments left on the clock.

Unfortunately. Brady can’t play on defense or the Pats may have a fourth. Now we look at what he has done in his private life since coming to the NFL.

Sure the list is short, but it’s solid: Tara Reid, the "American Pie" wild child, the Actress, Model and Stunner Bridget Moynihan is his baby mama, and he just married the highest paid model in the world, the Brazilian Bomb Shell known as Giselle Bundchen. CLUTCH!

Tiger Woods, Pro Golfer, 14 PGA Major Victories

We can agree Woods is as clutch as they come right? He’s got 14 majors, he is the four time AP Sportsman of the Year and twice dug down to extend his latest US Open win on a torn knee.

Oh and is Tiger as smooth with the ladies as he is with clutch on the golf course? It certainly looks like that is the case. He started out solidly with attorney and cutie Joanna Jagoda, But Tiger's greatest off-field achievement was that he made took a sleeper and turned her in to a goddess. This Jared Mayo-type draft pick made Elin Nordegren, with name and body to remember, Tiger once again shocked the world. CLUTCH!

Sergio Garcia, Pro Golfer, Choker

While Tiger is managing a stunner like Elin, we have Sergio Garcia dating Morgan-Leigh Norman. That’s right the guy that coughed up the 2007 British Open with a Sunday lead is dating the daughter of the guy that coughed up every major but the British Open on Sundays.

Not only is Sergio dating a Norman’s daughter, who looks like every other girl you see walking down the street, he has managed to catch a cause of the choke from her father. Sergio most certainly has not been clutch and his work with the ladies shows that despite his Spanish playboy facade that his game is weak both on and off the greens. CHOKER!

Josh Beckett, Boston Red Sox Starting Pitcher, 2003 World Series MVP


Back to clutch, lets talk Josh Beckett, you know the wonderkid that in 2003 went into Yankee Stadium and stomped out the Bronx Bombers at the tender age of 23.

In that series he started two of Florida’s 6 games, and went 1-1 with an ERA of 1.10 including a five hit, nine strikeout shut out in game six to clinch the world championship. He followed that up in 2007 with a post-season for the ages.

He went 30 innings striking out 35 while only giving up 2 walks and 19 hits. He gave up a grand total of four earned runs in four starts on his way to a 4–0 record.

In the post-season he is a lifetime 7-2 and both those loses came in 2003. Oh yeah and the Big Texan had both Danielle Peck and underwear model Leeann Tweeden on his arm. CLUTCH!

Alex Rodriguez, 3rd Baseman, Hall of Fame Choker

Which leads me to the inspiration for this article, I mean we’ve talked about all the other pluses and minuses in A-Rod’s game over the past few months. Now let’s talk about whether the dude has “game” or not.

To be fair we know he can play, but how about when it counts. I’d say no. Cynthia was the equivalent of winning three regular season MVP’s and he managed to screw that up.

Then he proved just like on the diamond, he couldn’t carry over the momentum to when it counts. He's worth $27 million a year and he couldn’t convert.

Instead he manages to pick up a Russian import in Toronto that dances at The Brass Rail and looks like she bench-presses cars in her spare time.

He then managed to match that act of futility on the field when he got only 41 hits vs. 38 strikeouts in 39 post season games. He then followed that up by dating Madonna at the age of 114 (editor's note: Madonna is 50).


Come on! She looks more like Skeletor or Tom Petty and doesn’t look anything like the Material Girl that bedded Mark Messier 20 years ago. (For the record The Moose is considered on of the great winners of all time, he managed to score a young Madonna and Captain of six Stanley Cups, two Hart’s, two Conn Smyth’s, and 295 points in 236 playoff games. The Messiah brought Broadway its first cup in 54 years.)

Derek Jeter, Shortstop, 4-Time World Series Champion, Hall of Fame Clutch

Derek Jeter is Mr. November. He's also been with his share of Ms. March, April, June and Septembers When it counts he bats .309 in 495 career trips to the plate and is wearing four World Series rings.


Oh yeah and his little black book looks like the Maxim Hot 100 list. He has been seen out with Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, Jordana Brewster, former Miss Universe Lara Dutta and Jessica Biel. CLUTCH!

All I can say is if my theory is correct. (And it’s clearly a flawless theory. I mean I did write this while in a lab with a white coat on.) Than based on my current better half, I’m a lock for an extra base hit in the bottom of the ninth on a cool October night at Fenway or a double eagle on the 18th at Pebble Beach in the US Open.

So as the evening draws near and the booze starts to flow which are you? Jeter or Arod? Tiger or Sergio? Clutch or Choke Artist? You decide.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

I Want The Truth! But Can We Handle the Truth?

Usually I’d take as much joy and pleasure as anyone in watching the dismantling of that smug look off of A-Rod’s face. Unfortunately for me today there lies out there a bigger question. Why is it just A-Rod taking the fall and is what he did so bad in the grand scheme of things? I mean the lying to cover it up is, but let’s just talk about the steroid issue.

A-Rod is taking a lot of heat, but he’s not alone. There are 104 names on that list. I want to know who they are. They all submitted samples that were to be used to determine how deeply the problem of steroids in baseball went. It wasn’t supposed to be for disciplinary reasons. Well considering how hard Alex is about to be /is currently being judged in the court of public opinion I want answers, not just from Alex, from the other 103 as well.

Since my faith that we could see the home run record be broken by someone not on drugs has ultimately been shattered, I’ve got to know. I’ve got to know if Albert Pujols is on that list. I’ve got to know if Ken Griffey Jr. ever tested positive. I want to see if I need to start turning a blind eye to the accomplishments of Manny Ramirez. Or at least reconsider how I frame him in the all time discussion, good or bad.

I can no longer sit back and defend the players I love based on the fact that I love them. I hated A-Rod the Yankee; I hated him because he was better than any player I had ever seen. I hated him for all the right reasons. He plays for the Yankees and he was unbelievably talented. But if you thought for one second I wasn’t going stand up and applaud when he broke the homerun record your fooling yourself. I sat in my chair one night and discussed with a friend of mine whether we thought Alex could get to 800 homeruns or not.

That’s right 800 pause and think about it for a minute. As it sits today Alex is at 553 homeruns. Oh and he is only 32 years old. So now the joy of both him surpassing a tainted 762 and the day of possibly hitting number 800 should be thrown into question. Then I started to wonder, who was “clean” and do I care?

Cause with the drugs Alex was better than anyone I’d ever seen. Then again isn’t that the case to be made for the previous record holder too? I mean we all know the case against Barry, lets talk Hank, let us just see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

But what’s makes the record legitimately Aaron’s? I mean didn’t he partake in performance enhancing drugs. On page 268 of his on his own autobiography, “I had the Hammer: The Hank Aaron Story” he admits to trying Greenies.

“The 500thhome run came against Mike McCormick of the Giants, which meant that Willie Mays was on the field at the time. Willie elected not to have his picture taken with me that day, saying it wasn’t appropriate for him to fraternize with a player whose team had just beaten the Giants. For years Willie had been king and I’m sure that he wasn’t crazy about me elbowing into his territory. Most fans and critics still considered Willie to be a better player than me. It seems like the only ones who took up my cause were my team mates. Guys like Uecker and Boyer used to argue with the visiting writers who didn’t think I belonged in the class with Mays. It made me feel a little awkward to sit by my locker and hear them going on like that, but don’t think I didn’t appreciate it. [new paragraph begins] Actually, the 1968 season wasn’t the best time to present my case. It was the first time since my rookie year that I didn’t drive in or score 100 runs. I was so frustrated that at one point I tried using a pep pill—a greenie—that one of my teammates gave me. When that thing took hold, I thought I was having a heart attack. It was a stupid thing to do…”



Now why in the world would I drag that up you ask? Well that goes hand in with some interesting information printed by Dr. Bennett Foddy, PH D. and holder of the Harold T. Shapiro Fellowship in Bioethics at Princeton University’s Center for Human Values. He makes a very compelling case for why Greenies would have been performance enhancing drugs.

“What this example shows is that baseball is a sport in which the usual set of performance enhancements is ill-suited to enhancing player’s number. The core skills of baseball- pitching, catching and hitting – are not best enhanced by drugs that make a player stronger or faster. The strongest player can still miss the ball or hit it straight up in the air.
In fact baseball – like golf, cricket, or archery – is a quintessentially brain-centered sport. The most important weapons any player has are in his brain: the speed of his reflexes, his spatial processing, his vision and his fine tuned muscle memory. In the case of baseball, only the ball needs to go faster, higher and longer.” Pg. 77-78, Your Brain on Cubs.

Then later on Foddy sites specific examples of the effects of amphetamines specifically on baseball players.

“Amphetamines produce little or no enhancement in reaction time but significantly reduce the effect of fatigue on a person’s ability to track a moving object such as a ball. Dextroamphetamine, an amphetamine variant this is popular as a recreational drug, improves decision-making and reduces impulsivity in healthy human beings, which would be an effective enhancement for batters that tended to swing at balls outside of the strike zone.” Pg. 79 Your Brain on Cubs.

So what if Hammerin’ Hank was getting better pitches to hit, not because of keen eye, but because he was drug enhanced? Is 755 really a legitimate number? Is that really the record?

This is just another witch hunt through the grand old game, if we are going to continue with this non-sense. I am sick of half truths and half information. We’ve all seen the game soiled enough. Can we just flush out all the non-sense so I don’t have to endure another Jose Canseco book?

I want to truth, Bud, WE CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!! The game needs it, and its fan I need it, cause to be honest, I want to say I am comfortable with them all being cheaters, but I’m not.

***special thanks for Bennett Foddy for the quotes from Dan Gordon’s, “Your Brain on Cubs.”